A few weeks ago I had a young woman on the chat. No idea how old she was. I think young, maybe not even twenty, she still lived at home, she typed. She wanted to talk about her relationship, she had a boyfriend for about four months. He had once grabbed her by the throat, knocked her over and threw something at her, she summed up. She had already talked about it with friends right after it first happened. But they only indicated that she had to end the relationship.

“It's good that you're coming to chat”, I answered her question about what to do with this, and “what do you want, what do you need?”. She didn't want to break up because the relationship had good things too. She wanted him to remain her friend, but of course rather without the violence. I confirmed that such a decision is not easy to make. I noticed she was relieved by my response.

“And I also have to set my boundaries better,” she continued the conversation. I asked why she said that and she indicated that she had had trouble with that for some time. She had also had help to learn that better. Her boyfriend kept blaming her for the violence. It was because she wasn't clear.

I typed "You are not responsible for the violence". In a relationship you are of course responsible for the dynamics, but not for the actions of the other person. That is why we took a closer look at defining boundaries. And why that is sometimes so difficult for her.

This conversation has stayed with me because we discussed many different things. For example, she didn't consider what he did abuse, because he didn't hit her, did he? And he didn't know any better, because he had often experienced this himself at home. I indicated that you can report physical violence in a relationship, but that went too far for her in this situation. And that's up to her, of course. I am always aware that I should not say what I would do in a situation. Everyone is different and circumstances are different. I therefore approach every conversation with a young adult very openly and explore what the other person needs.

During the conversation, she herself came to the conclusion that she had better set her boundaries. Not to justify his behavior, but to be able to have a pleasant relationship. “With him, or with someone else”. She ended the conversation with the announcement that she was going to approach her previous counselor. I wished her much success and happiness.